Asperger's: Blessing or Curse?

Asperger's: Blessing or Curse? by Róisín Dubh

I've been forced to think about something recently that, honestly, I wish I hadn't. It's something I swore to myself I wouldn't think about once I was diagnosed and settled pretty comfortably into what IS in fact different about me, and what ISN'T WRONG WITH ME. But alas, things happen, and my mind starts racing. One of the things I freakin' hate about my Aspie brain. Problem is, the hate doesn't stop there.

When I started Aspie Supremacy, I had an idea in mind. Not, as many accused, of being Hitler to a band of Aspie Nazis who truly believe they're better than everyone else and want to obliterate the other side...just simply accentuating the POSITIVES of having AS, with a sense of humour. It isn't surprising to me that a few people, NTs and Aspies alike, didn't get the humour in my little joke....hell, I've been dealing with THAT conundrum my entire life...but I chose to continue on with the idea that while no, we might not be better overall than NTs, we do have some very unique gifts with which most people are not blessed. Don't get me wrong, I do stand by this, but unfortunately, I do have to admit sometimes that Asperger's is definitely a two-sided coin.

I started life as an Autistic savant. Not 'kind of' or 'like' an Autistic savant, but rather, an actual kid with no social skills or graces, little desire to interact with others, and a whole hell of a lot of unexplainable talents and proclivities. People neither knew or cared what was actually going on in my head at any given time, and focused on what they saw. I talked, but not the way they wanted, and not for interaction, but rather (and there's no way they could've possibly known this) to release what was stewing in my head. When I started reading out of the blue at the ridiculously early age of 18 months, I began immediately memorizing whole passages from books, and a little later, even whole books, and reciting them back at the most random times. Even at that point, there was too FUCKING much in my head, and I wanted to get it out.

I'm not entirely sure when the hypergraphia kicked in, but I know that it was already a huge 'problem' by the time I picked up piano (a few months after my third birthday). I wrote my thoughts and favourite words on walls, empty pages and margins in books, and even on myself. I banged away at the keys in a desperate attempt to release the music I retained even more easily than words. Some of it made some sense to other, but most of it confounded them. I wish I could've expressed then what I know now: I was dealing with overload. Everything I read, heard, saw, and felt...up to and including the SPELLINGS of words, which I'd often instinctively recite in my own version of 'normal' conversation....would....and still does.....immediately get lodged in my brain, and I just wanted to get it OUT. And I did so in the only way I knew how.

It comes as no surprise to anyone that I'm a 'genius'. I don't say this in an up-myself way, and I do hope no one takes it as such. I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be. I mean, I don't know what goes on in the heads of NT 'geniuses', perhaps it's something far more cohesive than anything my brain's ever concocted, but I have a hard time imagining that every high IQ person, even those with normally-wired brains, comes across as 'brilliant' for the same reasons I always did. Basically, I don't really think I'm all that smart. I just KNOW things, either because my brain was wired to know these things from day one, because I'm a glue-trap for information, or a little bit of both. When information approaches me, I absorb it very differently to the way others do, and what happens to it when it comes in is CERTAINLY different to what happens to it with other people....though I'll be damned if I know why.

If I were truly intelligent, I'd be a better problem solver. If I were truly a 'genius', I'd know what the FUCK to do with all this information and uselessness swirling around my brain. Being able to 'see' music as I hear it and remember pages and pages of needless text decades after I read it isn't worth a whole lot if I still have trouble reading clocks and still have mini-panic attacks at the sight of long division. Knowing the origins of nearly all the words in the English language isn't worth shit if at this late stage, I still don't always know when it's my turn to speak in a conversation.

I could go on about this for days, but in case you haven't noticed, this is gripe no1 about my Aspie brain. And it's one gigantic mother of a gripe. But now on to my next problem....the one I consider the biggest plague of all.

EXTERNAL STIMULI. This topic is what started my brain going last night on my current hatred of my Aspergers. Sure, over the years, I've done a bang up job of 'passing' for 'normal'....but there are some things you just CAN'T train yourself to do, no matter how 'brilliant' you're supposed to be....and dealing with others and the noise and chaos they create is one of them. No, I don't usually start howling like a police siren anymore when overtaken by my surroundings, but internally, I sure as hell do. I still detest being in public most of the time. This is a problem, because over the years I've realised that I'm one of the most social creatures ever spewed forth onto this planet. Being COMPLETELY unstimulated by people and animals makes me insane. But the way people sometimes go about stimulating me is more than I can take. A few things I still CAN NOT HANDLE....even to the point where sometimes, I can no longer control myself, and the internal reactions fly out of me before I even know what's happened:

* Arguing, fighting and anger. I literally CAN NOT DEAL with people yelling at me or taking a certain tone with me, but even when people argue around me, it starts sending me into a panic attack. This makes it nearly impossible for me to have an 'adult' argument with someone, and nearly impossible for me to mediate when two friends start to argue. I have become quite skilled over the years in running like hell in the other direction from arguments and fights that do not involve me, but ones that do....gah. I'm actually starting to get palpitations just thinking about it. Additionally, if people start to argue around me in a situation I can't escape (at work, in the hallway or directly outside the window of wherever I am at the time), I am immediately pushed into a twitchy, panicky mood that will nearly always affect my reactions to everything else for at least a few hours afterward.

* Being touched unexpectedly. This includes everything from hugs I don't expect, to being brushed against in the street or in a shop. I have desensitized myself to a lot of types of touch, and have even learnt to like some types....but when I don't expect it, my reactions are pretty over-the-top. This has started a few arguments, and in even more cases, has made people severely uncomfortable.

* Noise. Hostile noise is the worst, but in general, any sort of unwanted noise kind of makes my brain malfunction. I can't think properly when unwelcome noise arrives. Depending on my mood, my tolerance for it may be lower or higher, but across the board, no matter how I'm feeling, things that other people can ignore, I can not no matter how hard I try. And I do try.

Additionally, if noise breaks my concentration (this includes people interrupting me for whatever reason, since I do usually consider that nothing but unpleasant din), it will be a long time before I can get it back once the distraction ceases. Oftentimes, it doesn't come back, at least not that day, it doesn't.

There's a lot more I could bemoan about my differently-wired brain, but I'm going to finish this up with the last big issue that's been bothering me: not being able to properly express myself. As I said in the beginning of this essay, I have always had too much in my head, and no idea how to get it all out. At that point, I was referring to things I'd taken in from the outside, but had left out (because it's really the most frustrating internal issue of all) my own feelings about things. I didn't use to be able to express those at all, and don't get me wrong, I'm happy (and often shocked) that I've managed to get this far with it. But god....my ability to 'let it all out' is nowhere NEAR what seems to be second nature for neurotypicals. For most of my life, I had no fucking clue how I felt about anything. I couldn't differentiate between sadness, anger, and even happiness a lot of the time, and because these things were SO difficult to get out in ANY way, when they finally did surface, they all showed themselves in the form of screaming frustration. I've come a long way since then, and can at the very least identify the feelings I'm experiencing at any given time. And I can release them....sort of. But as is common with Aspies, I have no filters when it comes to expressing emotion. If I am upset with something, people know it, even if it's not 'acceptable'. If something makes me giddy, people know it. If I don't like someone, apparently I don't even have to say anything....it comes through in the way I LOOK at them. I don't ever want to return to being a bottled-up, stressed-out, wound-up ball of unexpressed feelings, but I often wonder if it is really worth the trouble in the long run being completely honest about expressing myself. Once I start letting my feelings go, I cannot omit anything. I cannot be dishonest. If I want to lie about how I feel, I have to simply remain silent. I don't want to do that, but lately, I've been thinking that perhaps, in certain situations, I should.

Speaking of too much going on in my head at once, that's pretty much what I'm experiencing right now. I'd like to go on for hours with more that frustrates me about having AS, and elaborate more on why I DO think I'm truly gifted to be engineered in such a way. But I figure this is plenty on which to base a conversation, and will continue on this topic later. Right now I'm going to kick myself back into positive mode, and start piecing together the 'It Gets Better' video I mentioned on Aspie Supremacy....really REALLY looking forward to the feedback on that. :)

Art Is Spontaneous

Art is spontaneous. It doesn't always follow a book or a set of rules. It goes beyond norms. There is no right and wrong in art. Imperfections of an art are only seen in the eyes of the artist himself. Critics don't have the right to judge an art, not their own, because then they'd be claiming the art as their own. (Unless the artist asks for an advice for improvement because that is when he knows something is not right and want to make it to suit his preference.)

Where have all our heroes gone?

By Ray Corton (http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/heroes.html)

We all want to look up to someone, somebody who models a lifestyle we admire. These people need not be perfect--we know that perfect people only exist in the comic books--but they should be individuals who have risen above the circumstances of life to accomplish something significant. And, we want our heroes to be above self promotion and climbing on the backs of others. But this is where the problem lies. In today's world of widespread self- centeredness, it is very difficult to find those heroes from whom we can gain a right perspective of the world about us.

Did I say that only comic book heroes are perfect? Even the comic characters are more flawed than we may want to admit. The comic books of today hardly resemble the comic books of the past. Today's comics are often full of violence, sexual themes, and grotesque imagery.

So where do we go to find heroes? What about our parents? Some of us were fortunate enough to have parents that we could look up to as role models in our lives. But, lamentably, many have grown up in homes that are not at all conducive to establishing healthy role models.

Author Steve Farrar, speaking at Probe's annual banquet this spring, related that when he was a student in grade school he didn't even know what the word "divorce" meant. None of his relatives were divorced, and the only way he came to find out what the word divorce meant was when one of his classmates used the word in referring to his parents. To Farrar's knowledge, no one else in that school had divorced parents. What kid entering grade school today doesn't know what the word divorce means? Divorce is epidemic in today's society, and it is rather difficult to see your parents as your heroes when their breakup has caused you so much pain and confusion.

Well, there are always heroes from the world of sports. But have you kept up on "America's Team," the Dallas Cowboys? From a tobacco-chewing quarterback to drug-thug linemen, America's favorite team has become the brunt of numerous jokes based on the team members' legal and ethical problems. We could also pick on some prominent basketball and baseball players, as well as other sports figures, but I think the point is made that finding upstanding heroes, even in the realm of sports, has become difficult.

In all fairness, one must admit that there are some great athletes out there with solid, moral lives and radiant testimonies.

But what about movie stars? The movie industry can make a hero out of anyone. Since the movie makers have absolute control of the medium and can make their world of fantasy seem so real, heroes are "created" right before our eyes, but they are heroes of fantasy, constructs of the imagination. What this world needs is real heroes, not some fantasy that doesn't exist except in our minds and on the silver screen. Movies are wonderful teaching tools, however, and great lessons can be learned and our minds and hearts can stimulated by the events and people portrayed. Sooner or later, though, if we seek to emulate the personalities of the silver screen, we will fall flat on our faces or be disillusioned when we see or hear of the actors' true lifestyles.

We need heroes that last, who walk on the earth, and yet have that something within them that carries them beyond the frustrations and failures of everyday life. Next, we will begin to look at some heroes who inspire our better nature and motivate us to stay focused and faithful.

Heroes Worthy of Admiration

Please allow me to share with you the story of one athlete who is a hero worthy of admiration. His name is Josh Davis.

Josh, a student at the University of Texas at Austin, won three gold medals in the swimming relays at the Atlanta summer Olympics. I guess that qualifies him as a hero to every aspiring swimmer who wants to shoot for the gold, but for the rest of us it is not the gold medals that makes him a hero, but what he has done with them.

But let me back up and tell you about the transformation that took place in Josh's life leading up to the Olympics. This change in perspective enabled him to handle the pressure of the Olympics and the race for the gold in a way that makes him a model for a world so in need of true heroes.

As a young athlete back in high school, Josh excelled in his sport and was recruited by college swim teams. He chose the University of Texas where he continued to excel and became a BMOC--Big Man On Campus. His athletic gifts became his god. But he became aware of a nagging emptiness in his heart even with all the attention, affection, and acceptance he was receiving. At first he tried the world's way to fill the void by filling his life with women and alcohol, but found that was not the answer.

Josh finally overcame the emptiness in his life when he gave his life to Jesus Christ. No longer did he need to strive for love and acceptance through his performance, but found all that in the God who created him and loved him and accepted him unconditionally.{1}

Excited in his new-found faith, Josh began to witness to others on campus about his relationship with Jesus Christ. But his zeal exceeded his knowledge, and many challenges were thrown in his face about the validity of his Christian faith. But instead of hiding his Christianity and bringing it out only in the presence of other Christians as so many do, Josh sought out the help of the Probe Study Center on the UT campus. There through the help of the center staff and the materials they were able to provide him, Josh was able to start a journey of knowledge and understanding to strengthen his faith. Whenever he came across a charge he couldn't answer, he would return to the Probe Center to find answers. His boldness in witnessing increased, and today he is an athlete with a message to the world, and he is excited about the position God has placed him in to reach out with the truth of God's word. Josh is invited to schools, clubs, and other organizations to tell about his experiences as a gold medal Olympian. He uses his gold medal status to bridge the gap to a greater reward, that of how we can all experience a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

This spring, Josh shared at the Probe annual banquet of the invaluable help the Probe Center was in his quest to become the kind of athlete God could use to implant in others a seed of the truth of the gospel message. It's not the gold medals that made Josh a real hero, it is how he has chosen to use them. He has chosen the courageous route by using his gold medals for the glory of God and the salvation of others.

"In Search of New Heroes"

Some time ago the Dallas Morning News ran some articles on the search for heroes. One of the articles wasn't too encouraging. It told of teachers who no longer ask their students who their heroes are because many of the students have such a hard time coming up with someone they look up to or admire. Too often today, when you ask a kid who his heroes are, all he can think of is someone who has made it to the top with fancy cars and lots of money. The kids have no real picture of how these "heroes" made it to the top; all they know is that this individual has what they hope to have someday. What a sad basis for the definition of a hero.

In his book, Heroes of My Time, the late Harrison Salisbury says, "We do not live in the age of heroes. This is not the era of Jefferson, Lincoln, or Commodore Perry. Nor even of Charles Lindbergh. The politicians of our day seldom remind us of Franklin D. or Eleanor Roosevelt. Athletes signing five-and ten-million- dollar contracts do not resonate as did Babe Ruth."

Today, the media often tries to tell us who our heroes are and that means celebrities, athletes, and stars of the silver screen. These are not the heroes we need. Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor has said it so well when he stated, "The world doesn't run on Magic Johnson; it runs on all us little heroes."{2}

Fortunately, a more encouraging article was featured on the same page as the previous article. Titled "In Search of New Heroes," the article spoke of everyday heroes, ordinary people who became heroes by their unselfish acts of heroism, like Lucy Narvaiz who volunteers her skills to help Hispanics and American Indians learn to read and write, or Eleanor Poe who runs a clinic in the poorest section of El Paso. These people are not the showy, dramatic type of heroes, but they exhibit the quiet, often unnoticed kind of heroism of people who have the courage to do what needs to be done.

The an article is about the television series, "Unsung Heroes," and the heroes featured on the program were quiet, unassuming people who can't imagine why anyone would call them heroes. But these individuals have uncommon courage, and Janet Carroll, the producer, wanted the viewers to see that. David Walther, Janet's program director said, "When you sit down and look at it and see people doing these things, it makes you feel good. It makes you want to emulate or at least be a better person than what you are already." I couldn't have said it better myself. What a contrast to the normal fare we get from the media in shows like "Hard Copy," "Inside Edition," and "Hollywood Access"!

As we hear about these unsung heroes' quiet resolve, it makes us stronger and more determined to do the right thing. We see their strength and the peace they have within themselves, and we begin to see the world in a better light.{3}

Home Grown Heroes

Now I want to continue our discussion of heroes by looking at an excellent book called Home Grown Heroes: How to Raise Courageous Kids, by Tim Kimmel.{4}

In the foreword to this book, Brigadier General Joe Foss (retired), a recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor, says, "America needs a new generation of heroes . . . people who are ruled by a conscience that doesn't take the Ten Commandments lightly who have a fundamental reverence for their Creator, and a respect for the people and things He has created."

That's what this book is about, being that kind of person, the unsung heroes of life who have uncommon courage. Specifically, it deals with the process of learning to add courage to our faith. Many people have faith, or at least they say that they do, but it does not seem to reveal itself in the outworking of their lives. The problem is the absence of courage and "courage is the muscle that faith uses to hold its ground." So many people today do not seem to have the ability to courageously live out their faith. Now we are not talking about those instantaneous heroes who make the headlines because they happened to be at the right place at the right time people you typically read about in the newspapers or see on TV. I'm talking about those unsung heroes who daily make conscious decisions to respond courageously to life's dilemmas. Webster's Dictionary defines courage as:"mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty." Courage is putting our faith in action, adding sweat to our convictions, doing what is hard to do because we know it needs to be done.

Kimmel writes about the fact that God has placed a seed of courage in everyone. It's part of being made in His image. We need to water, cultivate, and pray over that seed so that it may grow within us. And remember, even if you've blown it many times, it is never too late to do what is right. Sometimes it is the courage to confront a person or situation that you know is not right. Often it is the courage to forgive when you want revenge. It may be the courage to turn off the TV when you know you shouldn't be watching it or to maintain your focus until you accomplish a specific goal.

What about building courage into the lives of those we love and feel responsible for? Courage is the core word in the word encouragement. Therefore when we encourage others we are helping to build courage into their lives. The more someone is encouraged when they try to do the right thing, the more courage will grow within them.

Kimmel reminds us that the lion's share of courageous living takes place in the daily grind, behind the lines, in the lonely places, among our allies, in our own hearts. Courage is the natural result of internal disciplines. Courageous living comes from daily, deliberate acts of resolve. Courage assumes there is a battle to be waged and won. To live a courageous lifestyle is a choice.

The preceding comments have been attempts to whet your appetite about this book. Now I'll state it plainly: for a wonderful book that lays out steps to courageous living, please read Home Grown Heroes by Tim Kimmel. You'll be glad you did!

Spiritual Heroes

Now I would like us to take a look at our spiritual heroes. Let's start with the live ones.

It has been intriguing as we have observed the rise and fall of so many of our spiritual leaders. In Texas we have had our share with the likes of Rev. Robert Tilton and Rev. Walter Railey. Over in Louisiana it was Rev. Jimmy Swaggart. Probably the biggest headlines in the national news have been about Jim and Tammy Bakker of PTL fame, once popular televangelists. He went to prison for fraud and conspiracy. She was treated for drug dependency. But the story doesn't end there. While Jim spent his time in prison reflecting on his failures and sin before God, Tammy divorced him and sought to separate herself from the situation. She appears to have learned nothing from the experience and still tries to keep herself in the public spotlight by getting on TV shows and running her own ministry. Meanwhile Jim, after much reflection, comes out with a book of his confessions. He was humbled and seeks a fresh start on a new and different foundation. Now I don't know how being out of prison will stir up the old nature in Jim Bakker and how he will stand the test of time, but it does remind me of another man of national prominence who rose up out of the ashes of prison time to become a spiritual leader among us.

Chuck Colson was not a spiritual leader before his fall, but was known as Nixon's hatchet man. Then there was Watergate, his fall from power, his time in prison, his conversion to Christianity and his courageous road back in obedience to God. Chuck Colson is one of our heroes today, not because he lived a life without moral or ethical failure, but because he chose to accept God's grace and had the courage to admit his sin before God and man and build within himself, with the help of many others, the personal discipline needed to become a pilgrim for God in the journey of life.

Jim Bakker seems to have chosen the right path back. Only time will tell, but God may restore him to a place of spiritual leadership. Are you prepared to deal with that? If not, how do you deal with King David? He was an adulterer and a murderer who repented of his sin and God restored him. Yes, there were dire consequences for his sin that did not go away, and there will be dire consequences for Jim Bakker that will never go away. There are probably some past sins in your life that have resulted in some consequences that don't go away. But are we willing to chose the courageous path that can lead us to be the heroes God wants us to be. We may only be heroes for our children, but is there anyone else for whom we would rather be a hero?

Heroes are made, not born. We have such a great spiritual lineage to learn from. Chapter 11 of the book of Hebrews tells us about spiritual heroes, men and women who put their confidence in God, like Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Samson, Samuel, David, and Daniel. They were all far from perfect models, but they had the courage to not give up. God offers to each of us a journey of hope. May God bless your journey.

© 1997 Probe Ministries International

Heroes' Day

Happy Heroes' Day. A day we could all pay tribute to those individuals who inspire us by their great strength, courage, and perseverance in facing challenges: a firefighter, a doctor, a teacher, a janitor, a friend, a neighbor, a Samaritan. Thanking God for them. :) -National Heroes' Day (Phils, Aug302010)

What's your biggest mistake?

My biggest mistake would be living and gaining conscience. Regrets. Aches. Pains. And I think all of us, even for sometime in our lives, have thought that if only we haven't been born. I guess that would be OUR biggest mistake, gaining conscience. Even the most famous and successful person on earth would have think that.

Hmm.. Our biggest mistake can also be our biggest turnabout or a "blessing". A bruise later becomes a scar. A scar becomes a memory. A memory becomes "we learn our lesson."

We fail. We succeed. We succeed once because we fail many times.

Our Everyday Heroes

Everyday we are faced with thorns. Any day we lick our own sores. And somedays we could do no more and we wish for a hero.

In days we barely notice, there are someones who take the blows for us, hold us until we could do alone, and help us back to our feet. They could be a stranger or that grumpy old neighbor across the street. They are no supermans but they are our heroes of today.

A teacher helping a student with his homework. A single mother working to send her 2 kids to school. A janitor mopping the hallways. A sales clerk standing on the counter all day checking every customers' groceries. A dog taking the role of man's best friend.

This National Heroes' Day, take a time to say your "thank yous" to your heroes. There is nothing wrong to say how you appreciate them for giving their time for you.

Monosodium Glutamate

Which is safer to bring out the taste of all ingredients of a dish, NaCl (our usual salt) or C5H8NNaO4, sodium salt of glutamic acid (MSG, monosodium glutamate)?

Why is MSG bad for the health?

In itself, MSG is not bad for the health. What makes it bad is its probable effect on the original chemical composition of foods, thus the flavor enhancing effect.

Why is french fries or fried vegetables bad for the health? ANS: Once the vegetables are fried, its chemical composition changes. Either it breaks down and/or forms another which is carcinogenic.

Why is burned meat or dishes bad for the health? ANS: When cooking foods, it's particles expands. If the food gets burned, the particles may break, forming new compositions which can also be carcinogenic. (Same applies to barbeques.)

Particles (solid, liquid, gas) Solid is relatively rigid, has a definite volume and shape. Liquids have a definite volume, but are able to change their shape by flowing. Gases have no definite volume or shape.

When talking of barbeques, the fat from the meat melts and falls to the coals, then evaporates sticking back to the meat. Solid to liquid to gas. Burn plus newly formed chemical composition of fat equals very bad for the health.

Back to MSG. MSG enhances the flavor of a dish. It brings out the flavor of all the ingredients. Taking effect on the original chemical composition of foods.

Why MSG is coined as carcinogenic while some articles say it's safe? Why MSG is naturally present in vegetables and mushrooms, yet these foods are a cancer-prevention?

This is my theory on MSG; meaning, I haven't found a study or an article about it yet.